Taca's Wife

Love is the caress of your hand as it lay on my forsaken body,

Love is the embrace of both under the scattered sheets from when the moon wakes and the sun sets,

Love is the forbidden and indulgent act of when our soaked lips commerce,

Love is the uncontrollable desire to always feel the need for more to satisfy the lonely hunger that grows with every parting and every touch,

Love is the irresistible seduction that lures in the heart hooked like a drug,

Love is the temptation that leads me to sin but a sweet sin it is.

This love that you always speak of is only one sided and close minded.

Love is the pure entity that can be felt through the bond between many things,

It is not only subject to two companions searching for something to gain behind a closed door,

Love is the comfort of a friend’s warm held hand laid on your broken shoulders,

Love is the cherished moment seized with family no matter how grey the sky may be,

Love is the compelling laughter that can be heard when people who share the same humor connect,

Love is the satisfaction and warmth you can still feel in your heart even after the person is gone,

Love is something that shouldn’t require something physical to remain fulfilled,

Love is the passion for striving towards a future dream,

Love is the connection and bond of two or many hearts through common interests and common goals,

Love is in everything that surrounds us in one form or another,

Love is not only subjected to two people who have feelings for each other,

There will always be one person who loves you, maybe not the way you may hope or expect, maybe not in the way you want to be loved but their there loving you in the only way they can.

Your never alone because nobody is ever alone, there’s always a somebody for a someone, just maybe not in they way you had thought.

Whether a friend, family member, stranger or lover someone is always loving you, you just have to look at love from all perspectives.

This thing you consistently speak of is not love, just lust.

I just have to try and shake this feeling of depression off, I have to think about the fortunate things I do have, as little they may be they are still something. I promised I would start living so I have to keep trying and push these thoughts out. It just feels like death is always inviting me, waving his hand with a smile but I can’t give into it. These feelings just keep flowing in and out like waves on the shore but I won’t let them drown me this time. 

Im ready to fucking kill you, you fucking bitch. Im so sick of your bullshit lies.

There are so many things that hold our memories, lost items and forgotten places. A memory that’s been wrapped around my mind that I just can’t seem to cut away and let go of. Remember that park, everytime I walk by or walk down that narrow fenced path they flood my insides devouring my thoughts and time, the words burning in my throat that I hardly said. Remember when we sat down in the field together? The grass was a amber burnt color but the trees were green as when they first bloomed. The sun was warm like a soft blanket placed over us as the wind made music for our ears to enjoy. I was so tired I could hardly keep my eyes on you so you told me to rest. So I took your arm and lay down to rest my head on it and wrapped my arms around your body. Your chest was so scrawny nothing but bones but as skeletal you seemed it was the warmest embrace I had felt in a very long time. I had fallen asleep smiling and I wanted that to last a eternity to softly fade away with someone who dearly cared. You had called my name so many times with no reply that you had shook me awake, you told me that I sleep strangely curled up like a cat. You always compared me to a cat, then you had told me of when you found a stray cat by your house, you wanted to take it home and care for it but it gave you a quick nudge and disappeared before you could reach to pick it up. I feel like that cat now though I must have been a black cat to cross your path because it seems thats all I brought you was bad luck, it seems to follow me everywhere I go. 

I’ll always cherish that memory the most out of our time together I think and I wanted to continue creating memories with you but that was cut short. I wanted to blame you for cheating on me but now it’s clear. It wasn’t your fault at all, Im the only one to blame. I loved you dearly and you have to believe that but I just couldn’t show it as well as others did. I was always comparing myself to your former companions and I could never even reach their level it seemed but that continued to blind me leading to our parting. If only I had realized that there’s no way I could ever compare because I am me and not them, if only I hadn’t been scared of driving you away. If only I had realized that you were pulling me into your heart but I continued to push you out of mine. We were both hurting inside and I continued to hurt you more. You had every right to cheat on me because in the end someone as low as me never deserves to be with someone as talented as you are. Someone like me who’s hurt a friend to be with the someone they want does not deserve any love at all. Im not mad at you anymore for anything because I’ve realized now why things happened like they did, nothing was ever your fault I caused it all to happen, it’s all my fault and I can’t fix it. Im only angry with my self and all I can do is torture myself over it now. Im such a fool. If I had a second chance I’d do things differently, I’d do everything right, I’d comfort you, tell you I love you, hold you more, smile more. I want another chance so badly and I know it will most likely never come.

All I think about now is when you’ll propose to your new girlfriend and how it’ll be completely over for me, then they’ll be completely nothing I can do but try to smile for your new beginning and an ending to my chapter. I’ll keep telling myself that as long your happy then it’s ok, even if your happiness brings me despair I’ll keep smiling but behind that smile are selfish tears, why do I continue to be so selfish and ignorant? It’s over but I still can’t seem to say those words to myself, I really am pathetic just as everyone says. Why can’t I just move on, time for me stays frozen but I want to break that ice wall till every shard cracks and melt these feelings for you away. Im so sorry, Im really really sorry, I just want to say those words to you so much over and over but even that won’t fix things. The time I spent with you now only seems like a blurry dream. 

It makes me sad and frustrated that you will never see this message because I’ll never have the courage to tell you this but you’ll always remain so dear to me.